This week is Marvel (cinematic) week over here at SBN Soccer, and we’ve been thinking of ways to shoehorn the Avengers in there. But we’ve already thought up which NWSL teams would be which Avengers, and it seems more than a little gauche these days to play any of the Snap-related games that we were having fun with when Endgame came out. We’re looking for comfort these days, and nothing screams cozy comfort like cooking, food, and the folks from Bon Appetit Cinematic Universe. These are the NWSL teams as Bon App test kitchen chefs.
OL Reign - Andy Baraghani
Andy is a little bit of a mystery sometimes, but we do know he always seems hydrated, and he has an enormous walk in pantry stocked with food. He’s a spice lord who can’t always handle the spice; he can blithely chop ingredients without looking at the board and he can definitely give a little bit of side-eye (Molly has called him “salty” to his face), but he’s soft for ugly dogs and Winona Ryder.
Washington Spirit - Molly Baz
Sometimes it’s hard to “get” Molly, but then her dog, Tuna, shows up and you know the deal. Molly is generally up for a challenge; she’s pretty curious when it comes to new aspects of food and cooking, and she’s both aware of and resistant to being categorized as basic.
Houston Dash - Christina Chaey
Christina has admitted she is not a naturally competitive person. She’s generous and friendly and a great person to brunch with. If you eat too much, she’s not the one saying you should’ve taken it easy, she’s probably right there with you, taking a micronap on a bench outside of the eatery before round two.
Orlando Pride - Alex Delaney
Delaney is good-naturedly chaotic but sometimes the chaos is a little too much; he starts approaching you with that little cocktail in his hand and you know you’re about to get exasperated. He is somehow capable of eating about 14 slices of pizza in one day and is also in charge of other people, which, when you find out that he sometimes asks for receipts on expense forms, you go him?
Sky Blue FC - Sohla El-Waylly
Sohla is chill. She is super smart and creative, but above all, she is chill, which can sometimes hide how competent she really is. You might be afraid of tempering chocolate, but Sohla isn’t, and will support you however she can. Oh, you’ve been working on your tater tots? Sohla made a short rib and crimini mushroom stroganoff for you. Sohla is here to help you turn everything around and make you feel better.
Utah Royals - Priya Krishna
Priya is great around the kitchen but hasn’t been featured as much as she probably should. She’s watched every single bonus feature on the Bend It Like Beckham DVD and has kind of a hidden edge that she just needs more opportunities to let out.
Portland Thorns - Brad Leone
Big, brash, bold, insanely popular, all about the flavors, but not above the details: that’s Brad. He can be kind of an ass sometimes and he’s definitely not for everyone. He’s got an easy way with people but may seem overbearing, particularly around someone else more inclined to be quiet.
Chicago Red Stars - Carla Lalli Music
Carla can get pretty loose and creative, but underneath it all there’s a sense that she knows exactly what she’s doing and why. Things around her can start to veer a little off course, but she rolls with it and somehow things are back on track. She has tremendous Mom Energy. She’s not necessarily an absolute powerhouse but she’s definitely got power; she just makes you at ease with it until you don’t realize it’s still there.
North Carolina Courage - Claire Saffitz
Saffitz is self-admittedly one of the most competitive people in the BA test kitchen. She is a perfectionist who may have a good-natured laugh on the outside, but on the inside she really wants to take that spatula away from you because you. are. doing. it. wrong. She’s the one who gets the result but sometimes goes a little bit further than she needs to out of some kind of sheer bloody-mindedness.
Commissioner - Chris Morocco
Chris M. is a calm voice in a chaotic world. Are your gourmet snacks driving you to the brink of sanity? Chris will get you to think constructively about that last 5% you need to get them done. He’s a supertaster who doesn’t seem to have let it make him too picky, choosing instead to use his powers for good.