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Vivianne Miedema, you’re terrible

“Ohh look at me, record goalscorer for my country at 22.” Stop making the rest of us look bad!

Netherlands v Cameroon: Group E - 2019 FIFA Women’s World Cup France Photo by Robert Cianflone/Getty Images

Anna Margaretha Marina Astrid Miedema, how dare you?

First of all, your parents gave you four names and that’s still not enough for you is it? You’ve got to create your own damn name then you have the absolute gall to smash through the goalscoring record for an entire country before you’ve even turned 23.

You know what I was doing at 22? Disappointing my parents, not writing my name into history. Show some goddamn decency. 60 goals? SIXTY?! In 77 appearances? Calm the hell down.

First Of All, How Dare You

Little miss top goalscorer and golden player (GOLDEN PLAYER) at the Under-19 European Championships in 2014, which the Dutch won with you playing a starring role.

Did you enjoy your time in Germany? Remember when you helped Bayern Munich to their first (and second) ever league titles, firing in goals left, right and centre? Then had the audacity to move to England and help Arsenal pick up their first league title in seven years? AGAIN breaking the goalscoring record for the league.

Show some damn decency and stop roasting defenders. Stop scoring and stop selflessly drawing the defence out, pulling it around and creating space for your teammates, you horrible, horrible thing.

Italy v Netherlands - FIFA Women’s World Cup Qualifier Photo by Dino Panato/Getty Images

Who cares if you’ve just overtaken Manon Melis’ record (and absolutely slammed through Robin van Persie’s record tally of 50 for the men’s national team), you didn’t even score the most goals at your home Euros, you fraud! Sacrificing your own goals for the good of the team? Rude and selfish.

We all know how lazy you are, just waiffing around the pitch like an impressed catwalk model… do you even move? Or do you just stand in one place and wait for all your teammates to do all the work. Ugh, and you’re so serious all the time, why can’t you crack a smile like van de Van and van van Van?

Whatever, go off and score more, you big orange goal-machine. You won’t be happy until you’ve made all of us feel inadequate will you?

Fiiiine

Sigh, you’re really rather very good Miss. Miedema. We [not just the Dutch, or Arsenal fans] appreciate you and hope you continue scoring goals and breaking records and just generally being a bit of a BAMF. We know you’re not a showy player and therefore we even have a bit of a softer spot for you after your roly-poly celebration (which you promised your brother you’d do when you broke the record).

You do you, Big Viv.